Azkabanian Escapades
by Shadow-StrikeRaven
Summary: So, Harry is stuck in Azkaban. Cliche, I know, but here are a series of one shots, with either other cliche's or my own original ideas thrown in with hopefully a few new twists. To be read individually. Variety of Genres, inc. Comedy & Angst. Various character bashing. Relevant info noted at beginning of each chapter. Rated T for possibility of language and violence.


**Ok, so after a few requests, and several ideas somehow having taken the form of mind-maps on scraps of paper, I have a few Harry Potter one-shots I have ideas for. All based around the theme of Harry being in Azkaban, then somehow getting out, either escaping, being let go etc. Might not be updated very regularly, but will definitely not be abandoned. Hope you enjoy my spins on some classic cliche's, and some ideas that I have added my own Crackish writing style to. This one, for example, is a taster of the latter.**  
 **Please comment and let me know whether you want to read more, or have any ideas of your own that I can turn on their heads :)**  
 **So, to old and newer readers alike, Enjoy!**

* * *

How to Take over Britain: A tried and tested Method, by Harry James Potter  
_

Harry frowned.  
Here he was, in Azkaban for a crime he didn't commit. Well, that certainly got his plan of to a good start, and earned him twenty galleons from the DA betting pool. Now he just had to escape again, which would earn him another thirty five. So little faith...  
Taking a leaf out of Padfoot's book (his godfather thinking he was absolutely insane, but shrugging and going along with Harry's crazy and suicidal plan like a good 'insane, ex-marauder, prior Azkaban inmate' should), he changed into his animagus form, a hawk, slotted himself through the bars, and flew to the mainland.  
Flying into the Ministry was quite easy too, he simply flew through a Floo connection in the Ministers Manor. What? It earned him an extra five galleons. Not that he needed it, but meh. He wanted to prove a point.  
In the Atrium, he turned back to human and frowned as everyone finally noticed he was there, shocked silence starting to reign.  
"You know, I have too many things to be doing to be spending my time breaking out of that bloody Prison. Honestly-"  
"How did you manage it!?"  
"... Okay, so it was with an illegal and unregistered animagus form, but that is beside the point! Do you really think I need to-"  
_

"-waste my time in Azkaban. Apparently you do."  
Harry sighed, slumping back onto the stone bench, back in his cell, this time, animagus wards were up.  
Right, this called for more extreme measures.  
"Dobby!?"  
A crack resounded, as the inmates on his floor gaped at him. The audacity! To escape Azkaban twice, and one time with a house elf!? Bellatrix Lestrange found she couldn't even hate the brat because of the sheer genius of the plan. This sucked.  
"Mr Harry Potter Sir! Dobby is so glad to be seeing you! We's house elves knows you is innocent sir! How can Dobby help the great Harry Potter?"  
"Mind giving me a lift to the muggle entrance to the Ministry? I'm going to go back in there and make them listen to me, no matter how many times I have to break out of here."  
The hero worship levels rose in the elf's eyes, as Dobby nodded enthusiastically.  
"Of course, Harry Potter sir!"  
Ten minutes later, Harry was once more stalking into the Atrium.  
"Oi! Fudge! Hey, don't walk away from me! We need to have a chat-"  
"How did you break out of Azkaban! We've only just got back from putting you there-!"  
"House Elf, but that is, again, beside the point. You need to stop-"  
_

"-Throwing me into a bloody cell. Idiots."  
"Hey, Potterkins?"  
Harry turned to see Bellatrix, and raised an eyebrow.  
"Yes?"  
"Nice try and all that, but you'd better get used to the accommodations."  
"Nope, I still have a few tricks up my sleeves."  
"... Then you're going to go to the Ministry again?"  
"Yep."  
"... And people call me crazy."

Harry decided to sleep it off for a bit, and a simple glare and wandless Patronus (Hey, desperate times called for desperate measures such as 'randomly finding bursts of magic and reserves he did not know he had') had the Dementors staying away and the death eaters struggling even more to hate him.  
The following morning, he made a rough estimate of when the Atrium would start to fill, and got to his feet.  
"See you all in a couple of hours, most likely. Anyone want anything from Diagon Alley?"  
Everything from chocolate to fire-whiskey to blood-pops was asked for, and Harry nodded.  
"Got it. Fawkes!"  
A flash of fire, and the Phoenix was perched in his cell, eyeing the room with distaste, and giving him a look to ask 'why the hell are you still here'? Either annoyed at the Ministry for keeping him there, or annoyed at Harry for being his stubborn and persistent self. Harry chose believe it was the former and responded accordingly.  
"Tell me about it. Idiots, the lot of them. Mind giving me a lift to Diagon Alley? I need to grab some stuff. Then I'll head to the Ministry again."  
The phoenix gave him a look that said he thought he was crazy, but nodded.  
Harry grinned, as Fawkes landed on his shoulder, and quickly applied a wandless glamour to tame his hair, hide his scar and turn his eyes blue. No-one would recognise him in this disguise!

An hour later, with everything he had brought shrunken into a bottomless bag, which was shrunk in his pockets (Well, he wasn't going to live in bloody inmate robes! It simply would not do!) and he was waltzing into the Ministry again. He dropped his glamour, and grinned at the shocked faces.  
"Where did Harry Potter come from!? All I saw was a random, nondescript guy in his place, and suddenly there he is!"  
Harry shook his head at the sheer idiocy of the wizard, and waved to the aurors.  
"Hi again, now, before you take me back, mind if I talk to Amelia Bones? There is the little issue of a biased trial and-"  
_

"-Well, damn it all to hell and back. Didn't even get to speak to Bones." Harry sulked, whilst distributing the purchases around. The others tried, they really did, but nope. No hate was felt for the Boy-Who-Lived.  
"And it sucks-" Harry continued, slumping back onto the floor, "-that magical creature wards have gone up over the elf wards!"  
"Aww, don't worry Harrykins! It's not so bad here-"  
"Hey, I have other methods of breaking out, you know. I'm not even halfway through my plans! But I think I'll just stay here for today. I'll just eat chocolate and drink and generally feel sorry for myself, which should be expected of any under-age, falsely accused, misunderstood and teenage angsting hero. Then I can work off the hangover, tomorrow morning, and _then_ turn up in the posh restaurant where I know Fudge eats every Thursday."  
"... Can I come? Pretty please?"  
"Sorry Bella. Might ruin the whole 'Innocent' image I'm trying to get across, you know? What with you being insane and homicidal and all that..."  
"Well... Drat."

Harry discovered something rather pleasant the following morning. He did not suffer form hangovers! It was great! Now he just had to stock up on everything, enough to last the death eaters for a few years anyway, so that they could get through it all in a couple of weeks and such, before he found Fudgie-boy.  
"Now then, if my partner is still on time, Hedwig should be arriving at- Ah, hey Girl! There we go, can you saw through the bars on your own?"  
The owl, with a saw in her beak, gave him a look as if to say 'Hey, are you doubting me, human? This is _me_ you are talking to...' before nimbly sawing the bars away.  
Harry grinned, and slid through the window, shrinking himself, and allowed Hedwig to carry him to the ground. Once there, he transformed into his animagus form, being outside the new wards and all, and flew with the owl back to the mainland. With his bottomless and weightless bag nearly full and feeling rather heavy, he disillusioned it and head into the posh restaurant.

Well, he might be back in the cell, but he had a feeling he was getting somewhere. Fudge had simply called for the aurors, and then asked Harry to join him whilst they took their time getting there.  
Harry was happy to accept, and chatted with the aurors as they took him back. Even signed one of their 'Harry Potter- Defeater of Dragons and Dark Lords' scarves, before promising to break out, if he had not been freed by then, and visit another one's daughter on her birthday, what with her being a fan and all.  
Ah, good times.  
With his bag once more empty, and half the death eaters still drunk and completely out of it, Harry set up the luxury, one person wizarding tent he had brought and got in a nap and a decent nights sleep.

"Harry?" Bellatrix asked, the following morning, whilst munching on her breakfast of chocolate, "Who is this partner of yours?"  
"Hmm? Oh, Weasley's Wizard Wheezes, Pranking Industry. I have shares in the company, and they are helping me to escape Azkaban in return for the investment and a few of my more inventive ideas and musings. It's a great working relationship we have."  
"... Oh. Okay. What are you going to do now that there are animagus wards on the whole island, and now that they have installed magic inhibitors?"  
"Wait and see..."

"Hey Hedwig, sorry for the long trip, girl. Do you have it? Awesome..."  
Harry grinned (as Hedwig preened under the attention she was garnering that, she knew full well, she was deserving of) explaining a little further to the very interested Bellatrix and Rookwood, the only ones who were sober enough to understand him.  
"It's a band that is enchanted to enable me to shrink. Then Hedwig can carry me back to the mainland. It lasts an hour, so plenty of time."  
"Awesome plan. See you later!"  
"What she said. And can you buy me some Strawberry Droobles?"  
"Sure."

Harry spent a couple of hours with the twins, taking the chance to change his clothes again (seriously, even with a scourgify as soon as he was first in the cell, he was filthy), before deciding to not bother with the Ministry and make the aurors come to him.  
So, that was why he was idly chatting away, in plain sight, with Ollivander.  
The public took there time calling the aurors, not wanting interrupt what appeared to be an important conversation, and Harry was informed that a re-trail had been scheduled for in three weeks time.  
Well, getting somewhere, but three weeks? Far too long.

"Yeah, yeah, I know. New cell, no windows, so how am I going to escape?"  
The other inmates all nodded, eagerly, and Harry grinned.  
"Well, I am going to need a strand of your hair, Bella, and the stick from that lollipop, Dolohov. Oh, and can I have a hair-clip, Rookwood? Cheers."  
Three minutes later, Harry had picked the lock to his cell door.  
Twenty minutes later, and he had an army of death eaters who were going to create a distraction by causing a riot, so Harry could slip out the front door.  
Good plan.  
Worked wonderfully too.  
Took the Auror force three hours to sort it out, and notice Harry was missing.  
Harry had arrived in Amelia Bones' office after one of those hours, and spent the next two and half-until the aurors tracked him down- chatting with the Head of department about the discrepancies throughout his life. She had started the investigation before he was even escorted back out of the office.

"My plan is almost complete! All I need need is a couple more break-outs, and Dumbledore will be discredited, the Ministry will be under my control, and I can finally visit Vegas."  
"... Harry? Did you just say you were planning to take over Britain...?"  
"Yep. Nearly done it too. Now then, how can I break out this time- Oh, I have it. Hey, Dementoids? Mind bringing me your boss?"  
Half an hour later, and the dementors had eagerly used their cold powers to freeze the new and improved lock, which Harry then kicked open in a very suave, bond-esque fashion. All that was missing was an explosion behind him, as all the cool 'sauntering away' scenes required an explosion. Or maybe not... Didn't stop him pouting though. What a wasted opportunity.  
With dementors distracting the guards, he once more crept out of the front door.  
Hopefully, this time, he could get the Ministry to free the dementors too. Then he would have allies, and he could send them to Albania. Dark, damp, cold, and the last known location of that bloody Dark Lord. See? His plan was coming together very nicely- Hey, was that Lucius!? Harry ignored the nondescript aurors as he waved, idly waving a liquorice wand.  
"Hey Lucy! What brings you here? They discover that cache of Dark Artifacts?"  
"Potter! I will ruin you for this, you impudent brat-"  
Harry blinked, but smugly poked his tongue out to Lucius when practically every death Eater, from those who were sober enough to speak coherently to several who could barely raise their heads to slur out some words, all started badmouthing the blonde, ranting about how awesome Harry Potter was.  
Really? He brought an army with alcohol and chocolate. Well, that saved him the bother of doing so later. And he was sure Lucius could be talked around... A hairbrush should do it, possibly some air freshener?

Anyway, aside from that sightly unexpected, but amusing and welcome distraction, his plan worked perfectly. Only now they had installed a new, heavier, impenetrable door onto his cell.  
Smugly, the aurors took their leave, and it was only when thy rounded the corner that Harry shook his head.  
"Idiots."  
He pushed the door open, from where they had forgotten to lock it, and called them back.  
"Hey, don't you want to lock the door?"  
They did so, not so smugly this time (with Lucius wondering just how insane the teenager really was, and reconsidering who out of him and the Dark Lord were more terrifying), and Harry casually stole the key. What? He needed to have some level of challenge to his escapes. Just walking out was so... Mainstream.  
He idly unfolded his invisibility cloak, that he had took with him the last time he had been taken in, and followed the aurors out,perching himself comfortably on their boat.  
Half way back to the Ministry, he spoke up, taking the cloak off.  
"So, where we going?"  
_

"Harry James Potter, you are hereby released from Azkaban, as the first tester of a new Parole System."  
"Oooh, why is that Minister?" Harry asked, sparing him a glance, before turning back to the card game he was playing through the bars with Bellatrix. "Hang on... Royal Flush. I think that means I win again...?"  
"Damn it, Potter. How do you do that?"  
"Why do you think I want to go to Vegas? Sorry, Minister, something about Parole?"  
"Err... Yes. You are costing the taxpayers to much money and they complained. You are aware that you are playing cards with-"  
"Bellatrix Lestrange? Yep. She's the best here. Rookwood is good, but only at Go Fish. Lucius isn't bad, but he's already lost about a tenth of his wealth to me by having a very obvious tell. Honestly, flicking your hair? Not at all subtle Blondie..."  
Lucius glared, but said nothing, remaining in his undignified-but-not-caring pout and huff.  
Fudge blinked.  
"... I will take your word for it. Oh, and Harry? The position of Senior Under-secretary to the Minister has just become available. Once you are declared innocent, and now that you have Amelia on your side, after that completely coincidental and clearly unrelated incident of her niece threatening to date Draco Malfoy if Amelia did not cave to her demands and release you, I dare say that will not take long, would you consider accepting it?"  
"But of course, Minister. I would be delighted."  
Harry grinned at Bella, muttering quietly.  
"And that, is how you take over Britain."  
"... Need an assistant?"  
"Maybe at some point. We'll see. Bye Guys!"  
"Bye Potter."  
"See ya Harry."  
"So long, brat."  
"Get hold of the Goblins, and bring the chequebook in. I'll sign the damned draft."  
"You got it, Lucy. Can I still make Draco bald?"  
"Will you stop threatening my peacocks...?"  
"Yes?"  
"Then sure."  
The Minister stared at Harry, as the young man left before him, idly chatting with a couple of aurors, and gulped. But, like any politician, he decided to do what was best for himself, and simply let it go. Better to be on the winning side of a revolution than making futile attempts to try and fight it. After all, having a minion loyal enough to _date_ that pompous little arrogant ferret _Draco Malfoy_? Who wanted to get in the way of such a force of nature as that!?  
_

 _Meanwhile, in Albania..._

"No, you foul creaturessss..."  
The wailing of the soul piece faded as one of the dementors sucked it in, and communicated with the rest that he could now find the rest.  
A deal was a deal after all... 

Three years later...

Harry grinned as he nodded to the dementor, his scar now faded to a barely visible line.  
"That was the last? Awesome!"  
There negotiations concluded, Harry Potter, recently nominated, by a land-slide election, Minister for Magic and all round Figure-of-Legend, now Defeater-of-Dark-Lords (plural, seeing as Dumbledore was now hiding out in a run-down bar in Russia, on the run from a particularly vindictive Sphinx/Leprechaun duo who owed Harry a couple of favours for reasons best left unexplained) got his assistant, one rehabilitated Bellatrix Lestrange to cross that particular hurdle off of his 'to-do-throughout-life' list.  
"So, what's next, Bella?"  
"Erm... _Prank the Ferret, Task #4_?"  
"Oh yes... Right, I need Colin Creevey and the Twins up here as soon as possible."  
"You got it boss."

Harry grinned.  
Taking over Britain, through liberal use of Azkaban prison, was the best dare he had ever accepted.  
And to think it had come from Neville!  
Sneaking that fire-whisky in had possibly been the most awesome rebellious teenage thing Hermione had ever done! Well... Only thing, really, but meh. Details.  
Who would have thought it? Hermione Granger and Neville Longbottom had turned Harry into the Minister for Magic. Sirius had grudgingly passed down the Marauder Lordship to him, as taking over a country was out of even his league.  
Harry sat back, fingers steepled together as he gave his, well rehearsed, evil chuckle.  
Now then, where was his evil partner in crime? Oh, there.  
"Come Hedwig, Britain is ours! Now, we must set our sights even further. Where to next?"  
"Hoot. Hoootwit. Whoot."  
"France? Good plan. How about... Oh, I have it! Make a Veela Harem and take over the Ministry?"  
"Hoot."  
"What do you mean, _Hormonal_?"  
"Hoot. Whoot."  
"Okay! Okay! No Harem! Just... Don't tell Hermione. Pretty please?"  
"Hoot."  
Harry huffed, but gave in to the blackmailing bird.  
"Fine, double treats for a week. Bloody manipulative menace. So, France?"  
"Hoot. Twoot woot hooooot."  
"... You want to take over France with the help of an Owl army you so conveniently have under your thumb- well, wing... feather? Sure, why not."  
"Hoot." Hedwig replied with a particularly evil smile. Yes, she could smile. And do a very impressive annoyed huff. Not to mention the dagger-shooting stare...  
That aside, Harry floo'd Sirius. He would need parchment and owl treats and perches galore.  
Sirius noted everything down, before finally getting the courage to speak up (though the fact that the damned crazy, terrible influence of a criminal of a damned feathered menace of a- Well, okay, Hedwig, was now no longer glaring at him from over Harry's shoulder through the floo.)  
"Err... Harry? Sure, but why?"  
"I'm taking over France, of course!"  
"... Sure. One influx of owl treats coming right up."  
After all, one did not simply argue with Harry Potter without a significantly sized army. a Hedwig or Hermione Granger to back you up. Harry had the army, Hedwig was behind the whole blasted idea, and Hermione was three days into her annual debate with Luna about the existence of Nargles, and waiting two more weeks was out of the question. One owl emporium, coming up, and maybe then he could get back to his fire-whisky and Bertie Bott's roulette chocolate truffles.

* * *

 **Well, there you go. Hope you enjoyed, and I have no doubt some of my regular readers will recognise my own branch of crack/insanity in there :P As for new readers, hope you enjoyed, and worry not, there will be several more normal fics, with less of the completely illogical yet seemingly do-able antics :)**  
 **Anyway, that's all for now guys, hopefully have more for you soon, and please review and let me know what you think!**

 **Raven xx**


End file.
